From Food Prison to Food Freedom

I wanted to share an excerpt of Chapter 1 of my book- which you can follow along the journey and get each chapter as it's released, plus a signed copy when it's all finished HERE! 

This chapter details the beginning of my eating disorder, with journal excerpts from that time, and also the beginning of my recovery out of binge eating hell. 

*Trigger Warning*

Journal Excerpt February 6th, 2004 (Age 15) 

Food:

Yogurt

Grapes

1/2 Vector Cereal

Drinks:

2 Coffee's

Diet Coke

Skim Milk

Exercise:

45 minute Run

Arm Workout

200 Sit Ups

Total Calories Eaten: 567 (WAY TOO FUCKING MUCH)

Total Calories Burned Through Exercise: 644

AGH. Well, tomorrow will be a full 2 hours of exercise at least. And I threw up a bun today so I know I can just throw up anything that goes over my 500 calorie limit. Relief. I can't go over 10 grams of fat per day.

My plan is:

2 Coffee's

Diet Coke

Yogurt & Granola

And then hopefully I can throw up dinner. I have a plan for that. We are going to Grandmas' for her birthday on Saturday night which I'm worried about before my big weigh in. So what I'll do is either order a salad and eat nothing, or I'll bring a water bottle (to puke in) in my purse and hopefully throw everything up OR I'll buy some laxatives or something. (That will be a final resort if this week doesn't work out.

So, Review: 500 calories a day. 10 grams of fat. Anything over is purged. Exercise 2 hours a day NO EXCEPTIONS!!!! Grandma's dinner will be thrown up or only eat a salad.

GOAL #1: 120 by the end of the week

GOAL #2: 115 in two weeks

GOAL #3: 110 in three weeks.

These are the only rules, this has got to be the easiest "diet" I've ever followed. PURGE! is my new motto :)

----- 

After fainting one time in the summer, and struggling with dizzy spells and the incessant hunger- I was starting to lose control. I hadn't given into food yet, but I noticed my mind starting to wander a lot more to justifying more food. I didn’t know how much longer I could hold out. 

And then, at 4am, I had my first binge. I remember waking up and feeling so shaky, sick, and starving, I couldn’t take it any longer. I basically crawled to the kitchen feeling incredibly weak, and poured myself a bowl of cereal in secret. I wolfed down the entire thing. Looking back, it’s laughable to think that one bowl of cereal was a binge- as it would continue to get much, much worse.

I went back to bed, disgusted and angry with myself and vowed to learn how to throw up in case that ever happened again. Seeing the weight go up on the scale the next day only strengthened my resolve.

I tried the toothbrush trick, I even went to the store- on the advice of my Pro-Ana & Mia friends to buy syrup of ipecac- used to induce vomiting when poisoned. Fortunately, I couldn’t find it in the aisle and was too afraid to ask for it. But in my search, I found laxatives- something else my new “friends” recommended and purchased a big bottle.

I spent the next 12 hours or so on the toilet- and that’s when my parents grew suspicious. They read my journals, and were horrified to see what I was writing about myself and about my newfound laxative habit.

They promptly tricked me into going to an Eating Disorder clinic, by telling me we were going for lunch- and showing up there instead. I sat there for the entire hour while my parents talked and I refused to say a single word. I remember the therapist pointing out that I had such great genes- My mom, with her long legs, 5’6 and 120lbs and my Dad, a successful athlete- this meant nothing to me because, couldn’t she see that I was FAT? I didn’t trust her one bit.

It didn’t matter what anyone said to me- the eating disorder had taken hold and it would be a very long time before I was ever free again.

With the laxatives now being far too obvious and my parents watching me like a hawk, I decided I would just have to learn to throw up, so I did.  

It was awful. I’ve always (ironically) hated the feeling of throwing up, the taste in your mouth, the bile, the smell- but regardless of that, it soon it became my secret weapon 

I had discovered a whole new world, where I could eat without repercussions! After my first purge, I was dizzy with excitement over all the foods I was going to be able to eat, guilt free.

I was no longer hiding in my room pretending to eat my food- I was then focussed on finding creative ways to throw up without alerting my parents to what I was doing.

It was the times they were out for the evening that was my greatest joy. I would binge on everything and anything I could find- throw it all up, and then do it all over again for hours. I no longer had the self control of an Anorexic- in fact I must have used up all my self control in the first few months of starving myself because no matter how hard I tried, I could not stop binge eating.

Binge eating took over my life. At first, it was as if I was making up for lost time and all the meals I had skipped- and I naively thought that I could stop anytime. I would stop when I was skinny.

Unfortunately, it quickly slipped out of my control and became an addiction that I was powerless to stop.

 The binge eating had a momentum of its own. It seemed that I never felt truly satisfied by the food I was eating- it was exactly like an addiction- where you require increased amounts of the substance in order to feel anything.

 One bowl of cereal wouldn’t cut it anymore, it needed to be a whole box.

 And just cereal wasn’t satisfying enough, so I had to load it up with peanut butter and jam (Which sounds disgusting but to this day I do still enjoy a dollop of PB + J in my cereal).

 Ice cream wasn’t just ice cream anymore, it needed to be loaded with chocolate chips, crushed Oreo’s, and sugar free maple syrup (because, for some reason full sugar maple syrup was crossing the line for me).

 Everything had to be crammed full of all those foods I had previously labelled off limits and had avoided for so long. The taste of just simple ice-cream did nothing for me. I was an addict, and food was my drug of choice.

 I have so many binge memories, but there is one that sticks out the most because it was so filled with shame. I would eat all the halloween chocolates and then buy another box, but I was too afraid my Mom would see all the wrappers, so I stuffed them down the sides of the coach, or behind my bed- my shame hidden away so I could never actually see how many I had eaten.

I didn’t want anyone to know how much I was eating, but I don’t know who I was kidding at that point. My mom took to hiding all the “junk” food in the house- but I knew every single hiding spot- right down the mini chocolate bars she kept in her glove compartment in her car. I was insatiable.

----- End of Excerpt --- 

I continue to document the journey, and then the first two breakthroughs I had in my eating disorder journey, and how to apply them to anything you are struggling with in your own life. 

If you'd like to follow the journey from food prison, to food freedom and exactly HOW I ended up manifesting the life and body of my dreams- join the Book Club and receive Chapter 1 instantly, and Chapter 2 will be released in July. 

Love, Tara